Headline reads: "Ex-Warlord confesses to 20,000 deaths".
Scary stuff. Curiosity seizes my fingertips as I click the hyperlink. Scanning the article, I stop, blink a few times, scratch my head, and return to the first sentence. It reads as follows:
MONROVIA, Liberia (AP) -- One of Liberia's most notorious rebel commanders, known as Gen. Butt Naked, has returned to the nation his troops terrorized to confess, saying he is responsible for 20,000 deaths.
His name is Gen. Butt Naked. Honestly, if I was looking to strike fear into the hearts (or stir the bowels) of my enemies with a kick-ass name, "butt naked" would be towards the bare-bottom of my list. Right there alongside Sgt. Snowflakes and Captain Pussy Willow (that was Snoop's name before he hit it big). Dude, if I had to give myself a worthless rank and change my name I think I would choose either:
1. General Piledriver
2. Rear Admiral Ass Kicker
3. Sgt. Slaughter (dammit, that one is already taken...)
4. Captain Big Guns
5. Col. Fuck Off
Is it just my imagination, or can all of those be porn movies as well? Huh.
But in all fairness, Gen. Butt Naked's name derived from "sending troops into battle naked to terrorize enemy." Well, does Mr. Naked have something he'd like to share with the rest of the class? He insists on personal control of thousands of naked screaming men? Oh really?? If I lived in a small village, I don't think I would be any more terrorized by naked soldiers compared to fully clothed ones. In fact, quite the opposite. Clothed soldiers can wear scary uniforms and cheap sunglasses circa 1983. But naked soldiers? Dude. I think Mr. Naked is trying to reach out to us.
"Drugged fighters waltzed into battle wearing women's wigs, flowing gowns and carrying dainty purses stolen from civilians."
You've got to be kidding me. Did they also have Liza Minelli playing over the loudspeakers?
And what's with the adjective "waltzed"? Well, if you ask me, it's pretty tough to waltze into battle. I doubt they mean that literally, as waltzing is hard enough (and a tad antiquated), never mind being simultaneously drugged up.
Wait... how can his troops be naked but also wear flowing gowns? Damn you CNN!