Wednesday, January 9, 2008


After reflecting on my last blog post where I reflected upon my writing from the previous night, I realized, after reflection, that I might have a problem: multiple personalities. My worries were only further justified on my walk home today from the subway station.

As I was walking along, perusing antique book shops, fine tobacconists (looking at some of the packaging on these designer “cigarillos” made me question whether my decision to abstain from The Leaf was wise) and sipping on my multivitamin juice I thought about the different manifestations of Matt and the forms they take. To my surprise, this short five minute walk demonstrated many of them. Here were some of my thoughts:

"I hate escalators. I can never just step on to one and enjoy the ride like so many other people. I have to wait and time my entry just right so that I don’t lose my balance. And the dismount? Heavens no! I can’t get it right. I look like a freakin poindexter, analyzing the precise moment that would ensure a safe landing. Otherwise, I am that guy who trips, though I more often trip going up stairs then down. I actually just tripped going up the escalator the other day in the city center. There is no graceful way to pull it off. I have tried the “Nothing to see here people” approach and just get back up and ascend faster. Failure. I feel fake. Yet, I have also tried the “Silly me!” approach where I take my time getting back up, laugh out loud to myself (a little forced), and look around for recognition. Those around me don’t appreciate the humor."

"I freakin love cute dogs. Not the “toy” ones that can sleep soundly inside a crushed thimble. That’s just unnatural. No, I like medium dogs; the ones that reach up to my knee, for example. Big ones scare me and drool. Fuck drool. Medium sized dogs rock."

"Dude, that guy is so ugly."

"I hope Natalie wants to go out tonight. I could use a drink, and I need to get my game on with some ladies."

And without further delay, I present to you my findings. I have spent hours digging through the cavernous depths of my soul in search of these incarnations, and I hope you can look at them and remember where you were when you first met them. You may laugh, you may cry, but in the end, they are all just figments of my imagination:

Name: Matt the Romantic
Latin name: Mattisimus bogartamus
Distinguishing characteristics: Gaze affixed skyward. Charming smile with possible dimples showing. Collared shirt. Blazer. Willingness to spend large sums of money.
Motto: “I think I’m in the mood for a Syrah. How about you?”
Paraphernalia: Wine glasses. Tea bags. Candles. Frank Sinatra records.
Best known location: That trendy, low-lit wine bar downtown.

Name: Matt the Ham
Latin name: Mattisimo dramaticus
Distinguishing characteristics: Wild gesticulations. Variations in pitch and volume of voice. Eyes wide open. Booty shaking. Attention seeking. Leaping on furniture.
Motto: “I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone, come see how good I look!”
Paraphernalia: Fake microphones. Guitar. Bottle or can of beer. Costumes.
Best known location: Any party with more than 10 people but less than 30. Trinity College.

Name: Matt the Recluse
Latin name: Mattima humanophobias
Distinguishing characteristics: None known. Not seen in public. Rumored to be napping.
Motto: “Nahh… maybe I’ll come out tonight.”
Paraphernalia: Books, laptops, bed, headphones.
Best known location: Bed. Behind closed doors. Shower.

Name: Matt the Drunk
Latin name: I’m Puerto Rican, not Latin!
Distinguishing characteristics: Eyes crossed. Hiccups. Slurred speech. Unsteady gait. Hitting on most women within 15 meters.
Motto: “Dude, where are all the chicks?”
Paraphernalia: Alcoholic drinks.
Best known location: Wherever the party’s at!

Name: Matt the Near-Homo
Latin name: Mattiboy houliopus
Distinguishing characteristics: Discussions on fashion and Project Runway. Dancing. Singing. Musical theater. Being buddy-buddy with the real gay guys.
Motto: “Houli once said I was 3/5 gay, except that the other 2/5 is that I like girls.”
Paraphernalia: Tight jeans. Skinny black tie. Perfectly groomed facial hair.
Best known location: Indie clubs.

Name: Matt the Reed
Latin name: Matthew Richard Reed
Distinguishing characteristics: Talking to himself. Mumbling. Funny dancing/singing. Playing Halo. Writing blogs. Reading history books. Drinking cappuccinos. Traveling. Giving tours.
Motto: “Hey everybody welcome to Munich! My name is Matt....”
Paraphernalia: Black man-bag. Passport. Pens. Notepads. My green jacket.
Best known location: The streets of Munich/Paris

I'm sure there are others, but just reading these is scaring me.

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