Thursday, July 23, 2009


A question that has been in the back of my brain for some time now is if there is a universal flavor that everybody enjoys. At first I thought I had the answer, and it seemed so obvious I was surprised I didn't think of it sooner.


But then I woke up the next morning, swigged a liter of water, took an aspirin, and tried not to puke.

The more I thought about this question (which I am fully aware doesn't have an answer, but do me a favor and humor me), the more I realized that I had to simplify it. I had to break it down. Okay, instead of brainstorming for the perfect flavor, let's think "feelings". What feeling does every person, regardless of race, religion, or ethnicity, enjoy? Working with this line of reasoning, how can we derive a feeling from a flavor? That would give us our universal flavor.

When I was brushing my teeth, it hit me. And it was good.


Everybody likes minty fresh breath. I mean, EVERYBODY likes minty breath. Everybody likes mint. Both the possessor and outside observers enjoy minty fresh breath. Margaret Thatcher likes minty breath. Muammar Gadafi (who's head, parenthetically, looks like it was used as the mold for the monoliths of Easter Island: chews mint when he his tummy hurts. Moroccans have mint tea, Cubans have Mojitos, and Southerners have Mint Juleps. Five out of five dentists recommend mint. Mentatdent is the greatest toothpaste ever, and I dare you to find some poor bastard who admits to preferring the white paste side to the cool blue mint gel side. The pope has been known to get cranky if he doesn't have his Triple Stripe Aquafresh (can you imagine the Pope brushing his teeth? The visual of him propping up the Pope hat in his right hand, holding the Pope robe back in his left, while he dips his head over the sink to hock a frothy dollop of toothpaste plop is priceless. Do you think he checks his teeth, smiles at the mirror, and winks at his reflection?). The Treasury Department loves the Mint.

Who would ever say "Minty breath? Oh man, not for me!" Nobody. Ever.

This was all proven wrong. I have customers at my restaurant say they don't like mint.

How could you not like mint! What the hell is wrong with these people! It's mint! It is the very definition of fresh. It is the Alpha and the Omega. It is the eleventh Commandment. By not liking mint, these sick "people" are saying... you know what, I don't care what they are saying. It probably smells like fermenting llama crap (which, coincidentally, is great fertilizer for mint).

If you don't like mint, you hate freedom. It's as simple as that. The terrorists win every time you brush your teeth with Tom's of Maine Cinnamon flavor. You fucking commie.

1 comment:

liz said...

So I stumbled upon your journal, found this entry, and was compelled to reply. I took Intro to Psychology 101 spring of freshman year and we talked about this very thing: universal likes and dislikes. I dont think we came up with a universal like in terms of taste, but apparently, it has been scientifically proven (whatever that means) that the only universal dislike in terms of taste is rancid meat. just a tidbit of info. glad to see you're alive and well ;)