Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Paranoiacs Rejoice!

Dabbling on the Internet one quiet night, I stumbled upon a website that snatched my attention faster than Ralph Machio:

Apparently this website was featured on Oprah or something like that, giving me and most average Americans a sense of legitimacy. I mean, if the O likes John Edward, I like John Edward.

Once I opened the page, I literally laughed out loud. First, there is this sound that plays.
Open up the website.
Hear that?!
What the fuck is that sound? It's like something out of Aliens meets Windows XP. Attempting to extract meaning from this half second blip would be prove fruitless... but here goes nothing:
If you listen to the sound on headphones or with the speakers on your computer turned up way loud, you'll notice that the file lasts longer than the sound. After the sound dissipates, you can hear some static, indicating that the file lasts about twice as long. Why?
They intentionally wanted that ping to echo; To leave a lasting impression with you.
They wanted that ping to haunt you. Mission accomplished!

Alright, let's dismiss the sound for a moment. What the fuck is the deal with the picture?
The dude looks like a cross between Michael Jackson's Thriller and Steven Hawkings. And don't you just love their matching turtlenecks?

Here's my favorite part:
"It is estimated that between 90 and 93 percent of home computers have active spyware on them. Anyone who thinks they are not affected by spyware is kidding themselves. Even the most skilled professionals encounter spyware. The difference is that the professionals spend a significant amount of time keeping up with the latest ways to avoid, detect and remove these pests from computers.
When it comes to protecting your family from sex predators, using the sexual predator mapping tools is only the beginning. Remember these databases only tell you where the convicted and registered sexual offenders are located. There are many more out there that have never been convicted or are not registering. The Internet is becoming an all too common meeting place for predators and victims. When you cannot even see a face or hear a voice how are you going to recognize these vicious people?"

HA! Where was the fucking transition in that one!
"Let's abruptly change the subject of spyware and start scaring the fuck out of them."
"How can we do that?"
The two high level executives stare at each other for a moment.

This paragraph is absolutely insane. But, let's give these schmucks the benefit of the doubt. Ok Fear Tactic website, I'll play your game.
Let's click on the banner that says "Does a sexual predator live in your neighborhood?" (Oh dear, I'm sure no sex offenders live in my suburban white collar, homogenous community!) You know, the banner with the child on it with a superimposed tear?

Type in your zip code.

I have 1 registered sex offender in my neighborhood.
Well thanks for protecting me and my family! Let's avoid and scorn this fucker like the leper they are!

"To setup your access, we require a one time activation fee of $10.00."

Scam? Case closed.

ps. I wonder what would happen if I could find a place that has zero registered sex offenders? Maybe I win a pair of matching turtlenecks?

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