Sunday, December 30, 2007

"Hidden Dragon, Lying Tiger" or "Taddle Tails"

Call me insensitive, but this news report is kind of funny. I am usually that guy who laughs at inappropriate times, especially those times that involve unfortunate and strange circumstances of death. As you know, my filter on what is appropriate and inappropriate often fails. This story made me choke on my breakfast beverage:

http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/12/29/tiger.attack.ap/index.html?iref=topnews
What's funny is not that a young guy was killed. That's terrible. But read this report on CNN and marvel that it was actually printed.

First, look at the picture. THAT'S the police chief? You mean, she is in charge of taking down murderers and rapists? My God, I bet Stephan Hawkings could beat the crap out of her with the electricity turned off.

Second, I love the line about halfway down the page: "According to the logs, zoo personnel initially told police that two men reporting the escaped tiger might be mentally disturbed and "making something up," though one was bleeding from the back of the head."
HOLY DOG SHIT! Not only is a tiger on the loose, but it's mentally disturbed! I don't know about you, but I always live by the maxim: Angry tiger + Daddy issues= SHOOT HER (Jurassic Park style). And if having a mentally disturbed tiger on the loose wasn't enough to loosen your bowels, this fucking tiger is "making something up". Dammit, it's playing mind games with us now. Fine mentally unstable tiger, go around slashing people's throats... but when you start making shit up, now you've gone too far. But hell, I can cut you some slack, seeing as how one of you is bleeding from the back of the head. That probably hurts like hell. Shit, I'd make stuff up too just to put myself out of misery.

Lastly, another priceless line: "Police said Friday that they had completed their investigation on zoo grounds and that investigators "found absolutely no evidence of an intentional release."
Well praise Jesus and the lambs, at least we don't have insane tigers convincing impressionable passers-by to open up the gates. I'm glad police figured that one out. I will continue paying taxes.

And in closing, you and your children may rest easy tonight because "Meanwhile, at the Oakland Zoo, officials have said they plan to raise the height of the walls surrounding their tiger enclosure to avoid any escapes like the one in San Francisco."

Fuck you San Francisco Zoo.
Cordially,
The Oakland Zoo



Enjoy your day,
Matt

2 comments:

houli said...

i think the writer meant the two men were mentally disturbed.

come to paris, now!

Your Mother said...

Houli hit the nail on the head. The two men were mentally disturbed. Matthew, tell me that you knew that and that that beard isn't messing up your head!