Monday, December 12, 2011

Home-brewed Hemlock

Note to self: Exercise caution when sampling home-infused booze.

I did a stupid thing today. At work, I've been experimenting with infusing different alcohols with different ingredients recently. To my surprise, there have been quite a few successes. I've come up with some pretty tasty tipples. However, not one to be satisfied, I wanted to try something a little different. I wanted to push the limits. I wanted to be a visionary. I wanted to reach mixologist heaven. Well, without some more caution, I'll end up there.

The idea was innocent enough: I let a batch of three rums each infused with a different ingredient steep for a week, after which the resulting tonic will be concentrated and delicious! Right?

Here's where I should have stopped. A week? I'm going to drink something that's been steeping for a week in cheap booze? That is dumb.

Perhaps the most shameful part of this sad story is that before I took a sip of my potent week-old brew, just as the glass was about to reach my lips, I stopped suddenly. I thought, don't people go blind from drinking home-brews? I feel like I've heard that before: Man makes gin in his bathtub. Invites over friends. They all drink. They all go blind. They all insist that masturbation was never a part of the evening's festivities.

Then I remembered that people only go blind from drinking home-brewed booze, meaning the kind of booze that a guy literally distills in his outhouse. I didn't distill anything! I merely infused. Bottoms up!

I held my nose. I closed my eyes. I took a drink.

GAH! It's way too strong. I'm telling you the honest truth, dearest reader, I took in maybe a thimble-full. At most. And now I feel like shit. I was infusing in little teabags, which I think partially disintegrated, and now my mouth tastes like I've been snacking on the phone book. I have a slight nausea, faint headache, and an overwhelming sense of whatthefuckwasithinking.

Lesson learned. Oddly, I'm really in the mood for some Stevie Wonder right now...

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